


Even if you bring time to a standstill (the stars still move)

by cikidoa1



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Biphobia, Domestic, Flashbacks, Jealousy, M/M, Minor Violence, Non-Linear Narrative, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-04 20:18:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20476889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cikidoa1/pseuds/cikidoa1
Summary: Jaehyun returns to the house he once shared with Doyoung and reminisces about their relationship.





	1. Eden

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first NCT fic... and probably will be the last because, as you can probably tell, I can never finish the fics I've started dsnjkfsl.
> 
> This fic is set in Perth, my hometown, so some references will be quite Australian-specific. I also drew inspiration from some real-life experiences.
> 
> Also my lovely beta, X, mentioned that the plot is very similar to "Why We Broke Up" by Daniel Handler... and I promise you I have never read that book so I can assure you it's a coincidence??? Anyway, I initially wanted this to be a oneshot but 10k words later my brain was like... nah. So here it is, chaptered.
> 
> Comments & kudos are much appreciated. Enjoy!

Jaehyun drags his steps like he's not alive.

His left foot lands on the tilted welcome mat as he takes off his metal-rimmed sunglasses with a slight tremor of hand. Beads of sweat pool around his temple, trickling down his cheeks, and he counts to five slowly under his breath, hoping it will somehow slow down his heartbeat.

A tiny sliver of glass beside the mat sparkles. His breath still ragged, he looks up and takes it all in: Several roof tiles chipped at the tip, the maroon paint fading into a dull chestnut colour, and the tiny cracks showing above the door frame. It's a fairly small house, not as big as their—his—friend Johnny's apartment, not even as wide as that of his former housemate Taeyong, who lives only a block away. 

Glancing at the dead plants by the front porch, he takes out the worn set of keys—the keyring is long gone—from his back pocket. His eyes flutter closed as he shakes off the nostalgia that suddenly washes over him. The harsh summer sun is sweltering on his back, despite him wearing a thin dress shirt. He quickly slides the key into the lock and enters.

His shoulders feel heavier with each passing second, his body a shrivelled husk of what it used to be only three years ago inside this house. People have been telling him to stop thinking about the 'what-ifs' and 'what-could-have-beens'; they're starting to sound like a broken record, like they're picking on him just for the sake of it. It certainly isn't the wisest thing to do, considering everything that happened—but it's not his fault that this house is like a bloody time machine. Every corner reminds him of how beautiful things were, and also of the fact that he is now alone. He sees it all, he sees it in the dust collecting in the crevices, the way the wooden clock makes the ticking sound, the marble countertop in some pretentious shade of peach that Doyoung carefully picked out—

Ah. There it is again.

Kim fucking Doyoung.

That's the reason, isn't it, he asks himself. Doyoung is cause and he's effect—that's how it's always been. Jaehyun sniffs, and in midst of the musty air, there is a faint scent of persimmon, which was of course Doyoung's favourite. They used to grow persimmon in the backyard, but they had to get rid of it because they just couldn't maintain it—not with how everything was. He looks around, noticing how everything is still in its original place, even the heart-shaped, teal ceramic vase Doyoung really liked, perched on top of the piano.

This house has witnessed everything—both the good and bad—and Jaehyun isn't willing to give it all up.

He avoids the bedroom, of course, because he knows he'll just break down and cry. And he wants to laugh at the thought of this, because the Jung Jaehyun from six years ago would never cry that easily. It's crazy how one simple emotion can change someone, he thinks, but just like any other person who spends all their time pretending to read books at the library to spy on their crush, cliché is his forte.

It's not hard to find what he's looking for; it was there all along, lying on the carpeted floor of the TV room. The box is taped shut, but that's the least of his worries. He blows the dust off of the scissors he finds underneath the Anna Casa sofa Doyoung once bought without consulting him.

Jaehyun has mentally prepared himself for this. The moment of truth, as he likes to call it.

He holds his breath, observing the items inside the box in silence. He's late to realise that these items in the box are all labelled—small post-its with numbers on them, indicating the order of which they're to be opened. If Jaehyun knows Doyoung, it's that he is—was—meticulous. With everything.

First, a coffee mug. It's big and round-ish, like a soup bowl, with beautiful, handpainted geometric Persian patterns. It's blue, a regal colour—just what Jaehyun would use to describe Doyoung when they first met. 

* * *

_"May I sit here?"_

_Jaehyun looked up, and there he was—the most beautiful person to ever make presence in Jaehyun's life. And this was no exaggeration—regardless of how many times he had sneaked a glance at Kim Doyoung between classes, at breaks, or even during sleepless nights for mid-term exams, nothing came close to seeing him less than one metre away. _

_Doyoung's jet-black hair contrasted with his glowing skin, making him look like he was a prince from some fucking magical world. His face was ethereal, like a work of art, Jaehyun thought without any knowledge on the field—his angular, monolid eyes and straight nose complemented the rest of his features. For a person who spent his whole life delving into stories and poems, Jaehyun sure was shitty with words when it came to facing his crush. He tried not to focus on Doyoung's pale pink lips too much, but found it to be quite difficult to avert his gaze. _

_Seeing Jaehyun's lack of expression, Doyoung took that as a sign that he was not very welcome at this two-seater table. "Sorry, it's just—there's barely any seats, seems like everyone is equally stressed for the exam period," he explained, thick fourth-year medical textbooks jutting out of his unzipped backpack. In his hand was a half-filled coffee mug._

_"Oh." Jaehyun blinked, as if snapping back to reality. He looked at Doyoung's usual seat inside through the glass window and realised it was taken by some geeky, League of Legends-shirt wearing four-eyes, so he scooted over. "Yeah, sure. Here." He removed his own bag and placed it under the table. Jaehyun might not be religious, but he thanked all deities out there for giving him the opportunity to talk to the one and only Kim Doyoung._

_"Business major?" Doyoung guessed, neatly piling his books on the table._

_Jaehyun smiled, hoping he didn't look too goofy or desperate. "Literature, actually," he said, holding up a copy of 'Jasper Jones'. It was his third read, he could almost memorise the entire book by heart._

_"Ah. Is that gonna be on the exam?"_

_"No, but knowing Professor Moon, I bet he'll include at least one question about it." University lecturers were the worst things on earth, Jaehyun had decided. They were unnecessarily evil and couldn't stand seeing anyone get just above the 90 mark. "How is Medicine?" _

_Doyoung gave him a pursed smile. "Well, it's nothing like 'Grey's Anatomy'."_

_"Everyone in 'Grey's Anatomy' is somehow an expert and fucks each other," Jaehyun said without thinking, then cursed himself. He couldn't just retract his words, so he continued blabbering. "I mean, it's a show. They have to add some spice, otherwise it wouldn't sell."_

_"So you think I wanted to become a doctor to have sex with people?"_

_He shrugged. "There are people who sleep with corpses." He wouldn't be surprised if his crush regretted the decision of sharing a table with him; he should probably stop talking now. He tried to ignore the odd looks people from the other tables were giving him._

_"Necrophilia is listed in DSM-V. You sure you should be studying literature?"_

_"As opposed to...?"_

_"Psychology." Doyoung raised an eyebrow, giving him a look that read, are you for real? _

_Jaehyun laughed awkwardly. "People drive me crazy." Especially you, he wanted to say. "I wouldn't be able to survive a single class. That's mental."_

_"Here's what you should know." There was no need for Doyoung to lean over, but he did—his eyelashes were so long and pretty, Jaehyun thought—and whispered, "People study psychology to cure themselves." In this close proximity, Doyoung smelled like persimmon; this was unexpected, Jaehyun had always imagined him to smell like vanilla or cinnamon or some aromatherapy shit._

_Jaehyun tried to hide his giddiness. "Jung Jaehyun," he said, holding out a hand._

_"Kim Doyoung." The other shook his hand, to Jaehyun's relief—turns out his crush did appreciate his sense of humour. Or in Johnny's words, lack of brain cells—but Jaehyun could care less because Johnny lived alone with a tubby cat, so what did he know?_

_"Nice mug, by the way," Jaehyun said, because that was the only thing he could comment on that wouldn't come out of his mouth sounding super sexual._

_Doyoung smiled, showing a toothy grin that made Jaehyun want to propel himself into the sun. "Thanks." _

* * *

Jaehyun puts the mug down, pain bubbling up in his chest. One might say their encounter resembled something out of a cheesy heterosexual romance movie, with his crude jokes being the only saving grace. If there was one thing that could sum up Jaehyun's image of Doyoung, it was the mug; it was there when they first met, and it accompanied them throughout their journey together.

The second item was a pair of creased movie tickets; nothing special, just your average action movie in which a spy tries not to get killed for stealing confidential information from the White House.

He lets out a shaky breath as his memories take him back. 

* * *

_Jaehyun had wanted to impress Doyoung. He initially had planned to ask him out to a movie date and dinner—but he was too much of a coward to ask him in person._

_The movie was fine, really. It wasn't really Jaehyun's first choice, but tickets to other movies were already sold out because he was such an indecisive piece of shit and could only send the text the night before. He was jumping up and down with joy when Doyoung agreed to the plan, causing Taeyong to hurl insults at him because It's past midnight, Jaehyun, go sleep. Jaehyun counted his lucky stars because he hadn't really expected Doyoung to want to go on an actual date with him after the weird first impression at the library. Granted, they did exchange phone numbers at the end of their fifth study session, but Jaehyun thought Doyoung had probably given it out of politeness and was going to block him after._

_"Did you enjoy the movie?" Doyoung asked once they were seated in the restaurant, looking at him expectantly._

_"Yeah." Jaehyun nodded, rubbing his hands together. "Did you?"_

_"The acting was great. Oh, and the plot twist at the end? So good." The other smiled at the waiter filling up their glasses with water. "Thank you."_

_"We'll have a look at the menu first," Jaehyun said, trying to shoo the waiter, who advised them to call for him once they were ready to order. _

_"Who was your favourite character?"_

_Uh-oh. The truth was, most of the time Jaehyun wasn't focusing at the movie. He was too busy stealing popcorn—which was conveniently placed in Doyoung's lap—or checking Doyoung out. Doyoung had a beautiful side profile, all the soft curves and angles making him forget about the movie altogether. He had to be sneaky, too, because he noticed that Doyoung could be quite observant, and he didn't want to come across as a creep on their first date. "Uh... the spy..."_

_"Ah, the main character?"_

_"Yes. Him." Jaehyun grabbed his water._

_"I like him too, but I thought the secretary was the ace, she pretended to be his ally, no one saw that coming!"_

_Who cares about the movie, Jaehyun thought as his mind was occupied with how gorgeous Doyoung looked in that tan knitwear, the V-neck showing just enough of his collarbones. He was lucky that Doyoung never pressed him for the names of the characters._

_"So, what are you gonna get?" _

_"Huh? Oh. I'll get, uh, pasta." Jaehyun eyed the menu sparingly, deciding that such an expensive restaurant couldn't possibly have a bad dish._

_"You picked a pretty fancy place, huh?" Doyoung commented, although his expression remained indifferent. In all honesty, Jaehyun did choose the restaurant in hopes of impressing Doyoung. He figured most, if not all medical students came from well-off families, and grew up surrounded by the finer things in life, so he hoped this pick with a foreign name would do the trick. "I'll go for the sirloin, I guess." And Jaehyun's hunch was right because the steak was the most expensive thing on this menu._

_Throughout dinner, Jaehyun discovered new facts about Doyoung he didn't know before. Doyoung loved sleeping. Doyoung loved new furniture. Doyoung loved singing. Doyoung hated cucumbers. Doyoung hated horror movies. Doyoung hated change. All these little trivias about Doyoung were interesting to him, and the more he knew, the more curious he became._

_"What do your parents do?" Jaehyun asked, twirling the angel hair pasta around his fork._

_"Dad is a doctor, Mum is a dentist."_

_"Oh." Jaehyun should've known—most people around him who wanted to become doctors were simply following in the footsteps of their parents. "I see."_

_As if able to read his mind, Doyoung added, "Even my older brother is a surgeon." He chewed on his steak, and Jaehyun thought he looked like a bunny. "What about yours?"_

_"Mum's a baker. Dad passed away when I was five."_

_Doyoung's expression contorted into pity. "Oh, I'm sorry."_

_"It's okay. We don't really talk about it, it never really affected us."_

_Doyoung bit his lower lip, looking guilty, maybe because he felt like he was lording his perfect, nuclear family over the other; Jaehyun wanted to take his hand and tell him it was completely fine to ask, that unlike other guys who grew up without a dad and ended up suffering from abandonment issues, he turned out normal. "You know," he said suddenly, resting his fork beside the steak, "I originally wanted to become a baker."_

_"Oh?" This piqued Jaehyun's interest. _

_"I dreamed of having my own bakery. Fresh bread. Confectionery and cakes."_

_Jaehyun tried to hide his blush imagining Doyoung in a baker's hat and apron hugging his slender figure._

_"And I'd name it Doyoung's House of Sweets."_

_"Sounds like the name of a serial killer's lair."_

_Doyoung almost threw his broccoli at him. "You're the creepy one, you think I didn't notice you staring at me the whole time during the movie?"_

_Jaehyun almost choked on his water._

* * *

The third item, to Jaehyun's surprise, is a bookmark. The bookmark. A pressed dandelion, sandwiched between lacquered, transparent plates. Jaehyun thought he lost it, which caused their first fight ever as a couple. 

He holds the bookmark to his chest, clutching it so tight it may break. His eyes begin to water and his vision starts to blur.

* * *

_Doyoung loved spring._

_He made it abundantly clear by constantly bringing up how the birds chirped melodically, how the air was filled with scent of flowers, how the sky was impossibly blue. He liked blue, too—so Jaehyun decided that any present for him would have a hint of blue on it._

_Doyoung was also a fan of classical music, which, to Jaehyun, seemed like such a stereotype for medical students. Needless to say, Doyoung's favourite concerto of Vivaldi's 'The Four Seasons' was Spring; it was even his ringtone._

_Since their birthdays are both in February, it's a given that their birthdays are not too far apart. Thus, Jaehyun decided that they were going to need to have a second birthday celebration at the beginning of spring. _

_"Are you not going to open your present?" Doyoung asked with the widest grin. Jaehyun stared at the thin velvet box, topped with a silver ribbon. _

_"Is it a pen?"_

_"You won't know until you open it."_

_When Jaehyun lifted the lid, he lost all words. It was a very pretty bookmark, and he could only imagine how much effort Doyoung had put into choosing the gift. And how typical was it for the beautiful Doyoung to have come up with something so beautiful._

_"Do you know flower language?" the other asked, sitting up from the grass. He was wearing a thin, white cardigan with navy stripes around the wrist, which Jaehyun suspected was his favourite piece of clothing as he'd seen him in it about eight times. _

_The younger man smiled, stroking Doyoung's right cheek. He had read way too many poems about flowers and the symbolisms behind them. "Is this the part where we swear to be faithful to each other?" _

_"You know, technically we're not dating." Doyoung eyed him mischievously, leaning into the touch. "You never officially asked me."_

_Jaehyun snorted. "After all this time, all those dates, you still insist on hearing the question?" He even walked Doyoung home every single time, for god's sake. Johnny and Taeyong had laughed over this because it was so off-brand for him, but he endured it because Doyoung._

_"I'm a future doctor; I like to go through the proper procedure for things."_

_"You're so uptight."_

_"And yet you love me for it."_

_"How bold of you to assume that I do." Jaehyun laid the bookmark next to his elbow as he shifted to sit under the shade. "That's a strong word."_

_"Can I ask you something?" _

_"Hmm?"_

_Doyoung stretched his legs because he could feel a cramp coming. "When did you first find out about me?"_

_Jaehyun's eyebrows furrowed at the question. "Huh?"_

_"Before we actually met." At Jaehyun's clueless expression, Doyoung scoffed—the acting wasn't even believable. "Come on, Jaehyun, don't think I didn't recognise you from all the time you went to the library to see me." Now this earned the younger's attention; before Jaehyun could say anything, Doyoung added, "Truth time. Come on."_

_That was when Jaehyun knew that nothing went past Doyoung unnoticed. Seeing there was no point in lying any further, he shrugged and said, "Since my first year of Uni."_

_Doyoung blinked, shocked. "Really?"_

_"Yeah. Really." Jaehyun pushed Doyoung's dark bangs away—they were obscuring his eyes, and he wanted to see Doyoung's expression as he revealed the truth. "One of the janitors lost her footing at the steps and twisted her ankle, and you practically threw away everything you hand in your hands to run and help her." He could see Doyoung try really hard to remember—the space between his eyebrows pulled taut in wrinkles—then he burst out laughing. "Nah, kidding. I saw you line up for food once and had an argument with the canteen lady for putting cucumber on your plate." _

_The older man covered his face in embarrassment. "...Christ." _

_"My crush started there." _

_"Yeah, I'm not telling anyone that."_

_"Why not? It's romantic, like indie movies."_

_"Oh my god, shut up." Doyoung nudged him. "Where's my present?"_

_Jaehyun chuckled. "Look behind you."_

_Doyoung did as he was told, and gazed across the lake to see people holding different coloured balloons that spelled out WILL YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND?, with the word BOYFRIEND in blue for effect. To be fair, it spelled BOYFREND because Jaehyun was 100% sure Donghyuck accidentally popped the 'I'. Or lost it, whatever._

_Jaehyun watched the older man gasp, his eyes wide as saucers, and let out a tiny shriek. "When did you plan this?"_

_"Not telling." Jaehyun tried not to mention the bored face Yuta was making, and he made a mental note to thank his friends later. "So? Does this fulfil your expectations, Dr. Kim?"_

_Without a word, Doyoung pulled him into a tight hug and they kissed for the very first time, causing Jaehyun's head to land on the grass under his weight. "Finally." _

_Before it could fully turn into a make out session, they were interrupted by their friends—some whistling, and some demanding their payment._

* * *

Jaehyun rubs his eyes, sniffing. He shakes off the memory and looks at the lonely dandelion—it appears drained of colour, and the top left corner of the bookmark is slightly cracked. He wants to know how Doyoung got ahold of it, because he himself had turned the entire house upside down and couldn't find it. 

But it's too late.

He takes off the next post-it, stuck on an old record. Realisation dawns in as he mutters under his breath, "Kim Doyoung, you're really something."

* * *

_They fucked two months into the relationship. _

_It started soft and slow, and before they knew it everything was hot and heavy Jaehyun swore he could combust. _

_They were at Doyoung's house, their breaths quickening in pace and the floor covered with scattered clothes—a total contrast to how clean it was just a few minutes ago._

_"Jaehyun, Jaehyun, Jaehyun," Doyoung whispered repeatedly, his voice dropping a few octaves as the younger continued to leave marks on his body. They had waited until Doyoung's family had gone away on a trip to be able to do this, but they still kept the door locked—just in case. _

_Jaehyun never heard his name sound so good coming out of someone else's mouth, and it was getting more difficult to keep Doyoung still. Everything was covered in lust and sweat, and the temperature of the room was climbing up rapidly. _

_"Kiss me," Doyoung moaned, pulling the younger up so their eyes were at the same level. The kiss was sweet, a mix of persimmon and whatever dessert they were eating earlier, intoxicating Jaehyun. Everything was too fast, too allegro; Jaehyun couldn't hold back anymore, not with Doyoung desperately murmuring indecent words in his ear—"I want to feel you inside me, Jaehyun", or "Make me scream, come on"—so he trusted deep into Doyoung, who immediately threw his head back with a loud moan. He was pretty sure his fingernails were digging marks into Doyoung's hips, but the fact that they could finally do this was a major milestone for them._

_It was too much, and Jaehyun bent forward so that his mouth was right next to Doyoung, and mumbled, "I fucking love you", so quietly that he almost thought Doyoung couldn't hear it. But Doyoung did—he always did—and they locked eyes for a moment. Jaehyun could see the universe in Doyoung's eyes, the most beautiful constellations like a red thread tying them both together, and he wished he were buried in those orbs._

_Doyoung's forehead was slick with sweat, and Jaehyun could see dried tears tracing lines towards his ears. Doyoung grinned and kissed Jaehyun's right dimple, before pulling him down and responding with an "I fucking love you, too". _

_The next morning, Jaehyun woke up to a poke on his side by Doyoung. It took him a few seconds to realise that he wasn't in his own room and they had just fucked into oblivion the night before. _

_"Morning, sweetheart."_

_Jaehyun whined and covered his neck with the blanket, effectively pushing Doyoung off the bed._

_"Rude."_

_"I'm sleepy."_

_"It's my bed."_

_"Don't care."_

_Doyoung chucked one of the pillows at him, but Jaehyun doesn't budge._

_"How can you be up already? You're supposed to be the one who likes sleeping."_

_"It's 10AM. Just because I enjoy my sleep it doesn't mean I'm a hooligan. I have routines, you know." Doyoung breathed in the morning breeze seeping through the windowsill, his back facing Jaehyun._

_Jaehyun fought the urge to continue whining and instead pushed the blanket away so he could look at his lover properly._

_And because Kim Doyoung always noticed everything, he turned to Jaehyun and asked, "What?" _

_"You're gorgeous." _

_"I know."_

_"Especially with those," Jaehyun gestured slowly, "all over your chest."_

_Doyoung followed Jaehyun's gaze, and gasped at the trail of purple down his body in a messy pattern. "Jesus, fuck. How am I supposed to hide them?"_

_"Don't forget the ones on your neck, too, darling."_

_"JUNG JAEHYUN!" Doyoung hit him with the pillow several times before Jaehyun laughed and got away with a measly apology. The former stood up, putting on his nightrobe and walked over to the phonograph in the corner of the room, which Jaehyun never noticed was there before. Doyoung swiftly chose a record from the shelf, took it out of its sleeve and placed it gently onto the player. _

_A delicate strumming of piano began to fill the room as Jaehyun watched Doyoung run a hand through his hair, looking up as if in deep thought. Jaehyun used to learn the piano when he was little—although only for a short period of time—but still managed to pick up the chords and notes in the tune. It was a beautiful song, very dream-like. _

_"What is this?"_

_"Schumann," the older replied nonchalantly. "Träumerei, from the collection 'Kinderszenen'."_

_Jaehyun raised his eyebrows at Doyoung's smooth pronounciation of the German words; a true reflection of the private school system, no doubt. "Oh? What does it mean?"_

_"Träumerei means 'Dreaming'," Doyoung said, and for a moment Jaehyun thought his eyes—the constellations—were sparkling again. He walked over slowly to where Jaehyun was. "It's pretty, right?"_

_"It suits you."_

_The last thing Jaehyun saw was Doyoung's toothy grin before the latter closed his eyes with his fingers, drowning him in bliss—routines be damned. _

* * *

The record is intact, the cover smooth and looks brand new. Jaehyun wonders where Doyoung keeps the others, but decides it's not important; only this one matters, that's why Doyoung has included it in the goddamned box. Mirroring Doyoung's actions from years ago, Jaehyun stands up and walks over to the gramophone.

He closes his eyes as the notes fill his ears like water. His footsteps feel light, it's like he can float up, up in the sky; but for some reason, the song is sadder from how he remembers it. It's a cruel irony, like the universe is laughing at his pain. 

He walks over to the box again and searches for the next item, which turns out to be a used train ticket.

* * *

_"I miss you."_

_"I know," the familiar voice on the other side of the line replied, followed by a knowing sigh. "But there's nothing else I can do." _

_"One year is a long time," Jaehyun mumbled with a pout. "I don't think I can do it." It was their first time doing long-distance, and since Jaehyun was lowkey a pessimist, his mind was already filled with fears and worst case scenarios. Doyoung had only been away for four days, and it was killing him. Taeyong told him he was being a drama queen—and for once he didn't take offense to it._

_"Hey, it's okay," Doyoung soothed him. "We'll be okay. I'll come back every month."_

_When Doyoung had initially told him about his internship, Jaehyun thought he'd just complete one in the city since his parents surely had enough connections to pull some strings. He was wrong, though; Doyoung decided to pack his bags and take one up in the countryside. Some small town where half the population lived with no internet and were dressed in beige, he imagined. Or maybe he watched too many movies—also a possibility._

_"It's not too late for you to change majors." _

_"Fuck you." _

_"Gladly," Jaehyun said, and he could practically feel Doyoung roll his eyes on the other side._

_"Anyway, it's your final year, isn't it? Maybe this is for the better, you know, so that you could focus on your studies for once."_

_"Excuse me? You're talking to someone who gets Distinction in all his units. I have no problem studying while fucking."_

_"And yet no High Distinction," Doyoung teased._

_Jaehyun grumbled, "Ugh, it's like I'm dating my lecturer." Hearing his boyfriend's annoying, high-pitched laughter kind of lightened his mood, but he still wished Doyoung didn't have to be 8 hours away._

_"Where are you staying?"_

_"Some B&B. It's pretty cozy actually." Jaehyun heard a thud, then some rustling._

_"How big is the room?"_

_"About half the size of mine—ugh, why did I bring so much stuff with me—and there's no bathtub." _

_"Oh no, how is Your Majesty going to survive living like that?"_

_"I'm this close to hanging up." _

_"How do I know you're not simply trying to make me go away so you can flirt with some hot countryboy?"_

_Doyoung giggled playfully. "Or countrygirl."_

_"Ah yes, how could I forget that you used to date girls before you met me," Jaehyun said half-teasingly in a monotone voice. The topic had turned into some kind of inside joke between them. "I'm still cuter than any of them, aren't I?" _

_"You have a bigger ego, too."_

_"Pfft." Jaehyun wouldn't necessarily describe himself like that. Stubborn, probably._

_Doyoung hummed and Jaehyun imagined he was already tucked in bed because Kim Doyoung had routines. "By the way, how is Mum coping?"_

_"Probably crying because her youngest son is about to be sacrificed by pagan-worshipping townspeople, who knows." Jaehyun rarely saw Doyoung's parents, and he had a feeling they weren't big fans of him; maybe he was just making things up because there was no evidence pointing to this, but something in him told him that there was a chance that it could be true. _

_"You know I don't get that reference because I don't watch horror."_

_" 'The Wicker Man'. You'd better stay clear of town meetings. Or scarecrows. Or maypoles. Or whites—" _

_"Just stop talking, my god." _

_Nevertheless, they continued until it was close to midnight—about nothing, anything and everything—and it took awhile for them to put an end to the conversation. Jaehyun wasn't a fan of clichés—although he did ask Doyoung out using sentence balloons—but they were really that couple who told each other to hang up first. It was as if the moment the line ended, they wouldn't be able to hear the other's voice anymore. In a sense, Jaehyun could feel the difference—from the way Doyoung's voice kind of echoed over the line, and how he wasn't hearing the usual train noise in the background like he would when Doyoung was living in the city. _

_"Hey," he said, thinking he had to finish this call after all because he heard his boyfriend yawn three times in the span of five minutes._

_"Yeah?"_

_"I thought I'd recite a cheesy Nicholas Sparks quote but you're already falling asleep."_

_"If it has the word 'love' in it, then I give you permission to read it to me as a lullaby."_

_"This is what I mean by cheesy." _

_"We're truly one of a kind."_

_And because Jaehyun was stubborn, he stayed up that night looking up part-time jobs so he could afford a train ticket to visit Doyoung._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic will be updated every two weeks.


	2. Purgatory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reality of their relationship makes Jaehyun think twice about everything.

Jaehyun almost drops the ticket from his hand when he hears his phone vibrate in his pocket. Cursing under his breath, he picks up the call—but not before he sees Johnny's name flashing on the screen.

"Mate!" There is relief in his friend's voice once the call goes through. "Where the fuck have you been?" 

"Busy," Jaehyun says curtly, leaning against the couch, suddenly feeling very tired. 

"No one could get ahold of you for weeks!"

"Sorry."

"Yeah, well, I'm not the only one you need to apologise to. Chenle almost rang the cops, you know? Good thing Renjun happened to see you at Greenwood station this morning, we thought you'd left the country, or worse."

Jaehyun's head is hurting; his friend's words are starting to turn into incoherent yelling in his ear, and he doesn't have the mental space to cope with this. It's just white noise. 

See, the thing is, he's used to tuning out people's words whenever he wants to, but his stupid moral compass always gets in the way.

"...listening to me? Mate, are you drunk?" And just like that, Johnny's voice becomes clear again.

God, how Jaehyun wishes he could just drown this sadness with alcohol. A bottle of Jack's sounds really good right now, but—

"Jaehyun, where are you? This is important, have you heard—"

Then immediate silence as Johnny's name disappears from the screen. Oops. And as if on cue, the record finishes playing, and Jaehyun picks up the next item.  


* * *

_Jaehyun was anxious. _

_He stood like an idiot on stage, receiving his certificate and shaking the Dean's hand. It was kind of funny, because after years of hard work and all-nighters, he thought he'd be happy now that he finally had the stupid piece of paper with his name, in his hand._

_But Doyoung wasn't there in the audience._

_No matter how many times he looked around the auditorium, past the hundreds of faces, that pair of eyes—the ones that would sparkle brightly like they had swallowed the galaxy whole—wasn't there. Why? Doyoung had promised to be there, for when his name was called out, followed by the title that cost more than his mum's bakery. And Doyoung never broke his promise. _

_He glanced longingly at the empty chair next to his mother, who looked like she could break down. She mouthed, That's my son!_

_The photographer gestured for him to smile, and he tried—but his smile couldn't quite reach his eyes. He wasn't looking forward to seeing the picture but he could imagine his mum insisting on ordering it in A2 size, framing it and putting it up in the living room. _

_After the ceremony, Jaehyun walked past his friends who were chatting excitedly about not having to see Professor Moon ever again, and took his mother outside. "Mum, why isn't Doyoung here? Where is he?"_

_"Oh, sweetie," his mum said, fixing his mortarboard so that the tasel fell at the right angle, just above his temple. "He's doing his residency, maybe a patient took up his time." _

_"But he knew my graduation was today. I sent him all the details!" Jaehyun tightened his grip around her wrist, his heartbeat racing. He was at Doyoung's ceremony from start to finish, so why couldn't Doyoung do the same for his? "What if he got into an accident on the way here?"_

_"Don't say things like that. Maybe he got held up by traffic."_

_"Mum, you know he's punctual. He's always at least fifteen minutes early for things—he wouldn't get held up by something as simple as traffic."_

_Just before Jaehyun could lose it, he heard a familiar voice shouting his name. He turned around and saw Doyoung running from the lift towards him. "Jaehyun, I'm sorry I'm late!" _

_He swallowed thickly and pulled him into a hug. Doyoung was slightly shorter than him, but since his mother told him he had to wear heeled shoes for the ceremony, Doyoung's head fit perfectly in the crook of his neck. "Where were you? I was worried!" _

_"I'm so sorry, I really am! I put in my leave weeks ago, but somehow that didn't register in their system and Doctor Choi insisted I come in," Doyoung said, out of breath and Jaehyun wondered how far he'd had to run, considering his dislike of sports. Jaehyun had, too, forgotten how cold it was out there until he saw the other's red nose and blushing cheeks. "I thought I'd finish in time, but this one patient came in last minute, she had brain haemorrhage, and—" _

_"It's okay. You're here now," Jaehyun buried his face in the other's hair, which still faintly smelled of persimmon._

_Doyoung quickly greeted Jaehyun's mother, who told him that he was looking too thin since he started his residency. Jaehyun pulled him to his side, and realised that she wasn't kidding—underneath the thick jacket, his boyfriend's ribs felt more prominent than before. _

_To make up for his absence at the ceremony, Doyoung spent the whole weekend, at Jaehyun's—residency could wait until Monday. They were in bed, deep in each other's embrace with their fingers intertwined because Jaehyun really couldn't stand being apart from Doyoung._

_"I never congratulated you properly for graduating," the older said, tracing circles on Jaehyun's sleeve._

_The latter grinned cheekily, wiggling his eyebrows. "Well, I could think of ways you could do it." His boyfriend landed a playful punch on his shoulder._

_"So... congrats."_

_Jaehyun tapped his cheek expectantly and Doyoung pursed his lips. _

_"Sometimes I just wanna slap you, you know that?" Doyoung grumbled, but landed a peck on Jaehyun's dimple anyways. "You're lucky I love you."_

_"Thank you. Now that I've graduated, I'm free to pursue any job I want." _

_"What are you thinking?" Doyoung's full attention was on him._

_"I can be an author. A journalist. A copywriter."_

_"Sounds good."_

_Jaehyun let out a sigh. "Or maybe I can actually move to full-time with my call centre job. It's the economy, what can I do?"_

_"Stop being such a Negative Nancy." His boyfriend pulled the blanket closer. "I'm not gonna let that happen. You're going to be a great author. Or journalist."_

_"Not copywriter?" _

_"Or that, too. Whatever makes you happy. I'll be there, every step of the way."_

_They exchanged a moment before Jaehyun opened his bedside drawer and took out a small box. Doyoung's eyes widened, but he didn't get to say anything as Jaehyun opened it, revealing a gold band with the letters D & J engraved on it. It was simple and all he could afford on a call centre operator's wage. "I bought this last year, but I wanted to wait until we both graduated."_

_And Doyoung—sweet, sweet Doyoung—looked at him like he hung the stars in the sky. _

_"So, what do you say?" The question was just formality, because Jaehyun could see that the other's eyes were glassy and his bottom lip was quivering—the answer was in the bag. _

_"Yes, a million times yes," Doyoung hugged him so tight, Jaehyun would die a happy man. _

_"Whatever our souls are made of, yours and mine are the same."_

_"...Hemingway?"_

_"Brontë," Jaehyun corrected, placing the ring on the other's finger ever so carefully, as if it would break. "'Wuthering Heights'. We had to read it for Year 11 English."_

_"Ever the romanticist," Doyoung commented and lifted the palm of his hand, amused at how the band fitted perfectly. The gleam of the precious metal was reflected in his eyes—golden twilight in the expanse of the universe comprising little, glittering stars. "I like it."_

_Doyoung liked gold—that much Jaehyun knew. _

_"When do you want to get married?"_

_"It has to be in spring, of course." _

_"I want to marry you now." Jaehyun kissed his ring finger tenderly._

_"Babe, I want an outdoor wedding. With flowers."_

_"I would like to see you wear a flower crown. You'd look like a fairy." _

_"I don't know if that's a compliment or not."_

_"Your medical brain can't comprehend poetries and beautiful things."_

_"You're right," Doyoung affirmed, rolling his eyes. "I'm really only doing this for the moolah. Not to save people's lives or anything, just the bank account."_

_"That's going in my wedding vow." Jaehyun clicked his fingers. "I'm marrying a sociopath."_

_"Is it too late to take this ring off?"_

_"Yes," he murmured, kissing Doyoung's forehead. "Yes, it is."_

* * *

Jaehyun abandons the ring and immediately makes a run for the toilet, throwing up the insides of his stomach. His knees feel cold against the hard tiled floor as he coughs, mucus and saliva dripping from his mouth. He grimaces at the bitter taste of bile before letting out a dry cough and presses the flush button. As he watches the green and brown colours swirl down the drain, he shakes his head. 

"I can't do this anymore," he chokes, to no one in particular. "I can't." The box is filled with everything that binds—bound—them together, and Doyoung knew this before he put them together. Jaehyun had expected nothing less from him, but he thought he was ready. He had told himself that he was, chanting the words to himself like a mantra, but he's starting to regret his decision.

After washing his hands, he staggers towards the TV room again and hears his phone vibrate with hundreds of unread messages and several missed calls. He ignores them in favour of resuming digging through the box—because something inside him tells him to, that he can't stop—and feels his heart drop when he comes across a familiar-looking candle.

* * *

_"This is a really nice house."_

_At the voice, Jaehyun smiled and turned to find his high school friend Wendy standing in the hallway, looking at the house in admiration. It was a modest 3x2, located north of the river and ten minutes away from the train station. It didn't have a particular theme, really; Jaehyun was a practical person, and a house was only as important as its function as a shelter, a place that could fit into his and Doyoung's routines. Jaehyun was even happy to leave Doyoung in charge of the interior design and didn't complain at the overuse of monochromatic colours. At least it felt like an achievement, and he considered them lucky; not many people he knew could afford a house right after a wedding. _

_"Thank you," he said, giving her a hug. "Long time no see."_

_"Congrats on the wedding, by the way," she added, a near-full glass of champagne in her hand. "Again, sorry I couldn't come. Seulgi was super sick."_

_Jaehyun shook his head reassuringly. "It's okay. Is she here?"_

_"Yeah, she's—" Wendy motioned towards a long-haired, red-faced woman laughing in the living room, surrounded by men whom Jaehyun recognised as the people he knew from work. "—drunk, apparently." Jaehyun watched Wendy's smile slowly disappear and expression darken. "Excuse me," she said before turning on her heels and marching her way to her fiancée. _

_The housewarming party was going well as he expected, he thought to himself as he hopped from circle to circle of people, exchanging pleasantries and forcing himself to make simple talk. He wasn't a fan of parties—unlike Doyoung, whom he caught in the kitchen chattering away with their new neighbours. The only detail about the attractive couple that left a lasting impression on Jaehyun's memory was that they eloped and got disowned by their parents. How charming. _

_"Oh, there you are! I was looking for you," Doyoung latched onto him, linking their arms together. "This is my husband, Jaehyun." Hearing it still set off the butterflies in Jaehyun's stomach. "Sweetie, this is Jongin and Krystal, you remember them right?"_

_"Hey." Jaehyun nodded rather stiffly, shaking Jongin's hand. _

_"Thank you for inviting us over," Krystal said, her ruby earrings sparkling too brightly. "I honestly didn't think we were going to get the opportunity, you've only known us for about five days!"_

_"Nonsense," Doyoung said with a laugh. "I'm sure we'll be good friends. Here, have some shrimp cocktail."_

_While the two were busy bonding over Doyoung's china collection, Jaehyun and Jongin took the chance to get acquainted through work talk. "Doyoung graduated from medical school, I heard?" the latter began, sipping his gin and tonic. _

_Jaehyun pursed his lips. "You heard correctly."_

_"He's still doing his residency or...?"_

_"He is, yeah. At St. John of God."_

_"Which...?"_

_"Murdoch."_

_"That's a fair bit of drive, isn't it?" His neighbour tilted his head inquisitively. _

_"He catches the train."_

_Jongin nodded in acknowledgement, helping himself to some salsa-covered chips on the tray. "So... you're an editor?" _

_“Journalist, actually. I work for the 'Harbinger'."_

_"Oh, the publishing agency?" Jongin asked, curious. "You didn't strike me as one. I thought you were a businessman." _

_Jaehyun wasn't sure what to say to that, so he smiled awkwardly. "Uh, yeah." For Doyoung's sake, he tried not to come across as an oddball so he tried to carry on with the conversation. "What about—what about you?"_

_"Teller. I work at HSBC in the city." _

_Of course, Jaehyun wanted to say. He knew it was something pompous like a bank teller. Jongin probably wore beige and a striped tie everyday to work. This neighbourhood was starting to feel like 'The Stepford Wives' to him. "How are you liking it?"_

_"Eh." The other shrugged, his expression indifferent. "It's okay. I mean the hours aren't flexible, but the pay is not bad." _

_Jaehyun hummed mindlessly, feigning interest in Jongin's talk about financial matters as he observed the other guests—most were faces he recognised. Johnny had brought along his new beau—some Thai professional dancer named Ten—and they were at the couch, excitedly catching up with Taeyong and the others, possibly telling funny stories about his cat or the newest pyramid scheme he fell victim to. Yuta was there, too, trying to woo Taeyeon and her friends, although they didn't seem impressed. Jeno and Jaemin were holding hands under the dining table as they watched Sicheng play Bach's 'Minuet in G' on the piano, while Mark and Donghyuck were busy skulling the mojito like water. _

_The rest were strangers, some who looked at him condescendingly and others who were simply there because they didn't feel comfortable rejecting Doyoung's invitations._

_And there was also Doyoung's mother and brother, of course, who accompanied Jaehyun's mother amongst the crowd. Jaehyun wondered what they were talking about, and why Doyoung's father wasn't— _

_"...Am I boring you?" Jongin interrupted his train of thought._

_"Oh." Jaehyun looked back at him, embarrassed. "On the contrary, that was interesting."_

_"Sorry, Krystal bans finance talk in our home." The other mustered an apologetic smile. "It seems that my wife has taken a liking to your husband." He gestured to the two, who were now engrossed in a discussion about plants. "She also couldn't stop talking about your bonsai garden." _

_Jaehyun gave a weak chuckle. "Yeah, Doyoung always wanted to have one." _

_"And persimmon, too!" Jongin said in amazement. "They're not easy to grow."_

_"Kim Doyoung...?"_

_Jaehyun was distracted again, this time by another unfamiliar face in his house. A woman, tall and slim, her face fully donned in makeup and her brown hair fixed in a high bun; she was strikingly beautiful and her mere presence made heads turn. Doyoung stopped mid-sentence, his gaze fixated at her for a moment before he walked over to her and gave her a hug. "Sooyoung!" Jaehyun tried not to notice how the hug was 0.5 seconds longer than it should be, and how this woman's hands were inching down his lower back. "I didn't think you were gonna come!"_

_"How could I not?" She smirked as they pulled apart, one hand still lingering on Doyoung's forearm. "I wouldn't miss this for the world." _

_"Tell me all about Europe." Doyoung grinned, and looked at the Dusk bag in her hand. "Oh, what is this?"_

_"Just a little gift for my favourite person," she said with a wink and took a out a blue candle inside a jewel-encrusted holder. "Rose and sandalwood."_

_"You remember," Doyoung muttered in disbelief. Jaehyun frowned—since when did Doyoung like that combination of scents? "Oh, guys, this is Park Sooyoung," he introduced her to the others, and Jaehyun could already see Yuta's heart eyes. "We were classmates, back at Corpus Christi."_

_When it came to Jaehyun's turn, Sooyoung stared at him a bit too long for comfort, before she remarked, "So you're Jaehyun. I've heard so much about you." So she knew him—but if she had history with Doyoung, how come Doyoung never mentioned her? Not even once, and now Jaehyun felt like he was kept out of the loop, like Doyoung was keeping her a secret from him. And there was something in her tone, something that made her words sound like she was mocking him. "Nice to finally meet you."_

_Jaehyun tried to maintain his composure—to be the bigger man and not open up this can of worms, to not play into Sooyoung's tricks. If he mentioned this to anyone, they would think he was making things up. He watched her act way too familiar with his husband, and he wasn't liking it. Not one bit._

_"Can we talk for a second?" He knew he wasn't gonna get brownie points from Doyoung for interrupting his conversation with Sooyoung so abruptly, but he honestly didn't give a fuck. He could feel her gaze burning into the back of his head, though. _

_Doyoung followed him to a secluded corner, looking puzzled. "What's wrong?"_

_"Who is she?" _

_"...What?"_

_ "Sooyoung. Who is she?"_

_Doyoung laughed at this. "Love, I told you already. She's my—"_

_"Don't do this today, Doyoung. Who is she, really?" Jaehyun lowered his voice with timed pauses between the words, making it clear that he was in no mood for funny business; he only wanted the truth._  
  
_ Doyoung bit his lips, as if in contemplation. He eventually exhaled, clearing his throat and confirmed Jaehyun's suspicions, "We dated." Jaehyun's jaw tensed, and seeing this, Doyoung quickly added, "Only for awhile. Plus, it was many years ago."_  
  
_ "How long?"_

_"Two years. We broke up because, um, we wanted to focus on Year 12."_

_Jaehyun stared at him, incredulous. Who the fuck remained super chummy with their ex like that? You were supposed to hate them after you broke up. "When were you going to tell me?"_

_"I—" _

_"Or maybe never? Not once did it cross your mind while planning this party, 'Hey, maybe I should tell my husband that I'm inviting my ex in case she still wants to get back together with me'?" _

_Doyoung widened his eyes, not believing what he was hearing. "What?" From a corner of his eyes, he could see Sooyoung and other guests steal curious glances at them, so he dragged the younger into the bedroom and shut the door. "What are you talking about?" _

_Jaehyun paced around the room, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "Doyoung, she's clearly still in love with you! She practically had her hands all over you, how can you be so oblivious?" He couldn't think straight, and all he wanted to do now was to put a stop to this godforsaken party, tell everyone to go the fuck home. And maybe break the stupid candle into pieces._

_"We broke up on good terms, okay? And that's just how Sooyoung is—she's a friendly and kind person, and I thought you'd like her."_

_Surely it was the emotion, the rage; being the impulsive person he was, Jaehyun couldn't stop the next words that came out of his mouth. "Oh sure—why wouldn't I like someone who used to fuck my husband during his straight phase?"_

_He shouldn't have said that, he knew he shouldn't have._

_Because it was the first time Doyoung's beautiful face displayed an expression that was different than all he had encountered before. It wasn't just happy, sad or angry; it was dark, it was painful, it was abhorrent, and Jaehyun could see it all in the loss of light in his eyes._

_"Fuck you." With that, Doyoung left the room _

_Jaehyun sat on the edge of the bed, now angry at himself more than anything._

_Maybe that was the reason Doyoung rarely talked about his exes._

* * *

Jaehyun watches the candle crumble beneath his foot. It feels good to finally be able to do it, and he doesn't want to believe that Doyoung had the nerve to include it in the box, but at the same time he can, because Kim Doyoung doesn't let things slide. Nothing ever goes amiss.

The next post-it is stuck on a small resin figure.

* * *

_Jaehyun didn't hear the front door open._

_But he could hear the footsteps passing through the living room—a slight pause in the kitchen—before turning into stomping, heading in the direction of the TV room._

_"Jaehyun."_

_He frowned as he copped a shot—dammit, he thought he managed to evade that one. He continued smashing buttons on the PS4 controller as colours and loud sounds from the TV filled the room._

_"Jaehyun!" _

_Another hit and he might as well be dead. _

_"Jaehyun, you didn't do the dishes like I asked you to," Doyoung said, the disappointment in his voice crystal clear. "It's summer, you should know better."_

_"Oh, you're home."_

_"All I ask is for you to clean up a bit, is that too much?"_

_Jaehyun scratched his head in exasperation as a huge GAME OVER sign popped up on the screen. Maybe it was time he used a character that wasn't Lucio, he thought as he fiddled with the small figure on the table. "Okay, look, I might have been too busy trying to complete—"_

_"And all those empty cans?" Now Doyoung was beginning to sound frustrated. "Is this what you've been doing all day? Playing games and drinking beer?"_

_"You make it sound like I do nothing at home!" Jaehyun snapped—he didn't mean it, but his husband's expression was unsalvageable—and sighed deeply. "I did laundry," he added pathetically._

_"Yeah, and I'm sure the machine has been beeping for hours now." The older man pointed in the direction of the laundry—and sure enough, the washing machine was beeping like an alarm clock. "You never bothered taking them out, and it's bloody seven o'clock!"_

_"I'll do it tomorrow." Jaehyun grabbed the empty cans and walked out of the room. "I'll run it one more time."_

_"I'm not done with you." Doyoung followed him, to his annoyance. "Did you do any job searching today?" _

_"Yes," Jaehyun lied, heading outside. "Same listings from yesterday." _

_"Don't give me that bullshit, Jung Jaehyun." _

_It was still hot and bright outside; there was not a single breeze, and the taller man was not in the mood to argue. He threw the cans into the yellow bin and crossed his arms. "What?" _

_"I was on the phone with Kun, he said he came over and played games with you the whole afternoon!" Doyoung held up his phone, as if to prove his point. "Care to explain?"_

_"Oh, so you're spying on me through my friends now?" Jaehyun asked, clenching his fists. _

_"We're married; your friends are my friends too, asshole. And I wasn't spying, he called me first because he was worried about you!" _

_"Well, you tell him he has nothing to worry about!" _

_"Jaehyun, you've been jobless for two months now and you spend your days eating takeouts and playing Underwatch."_

_"Overwatch."_

_"Whatever—and everytime I come home, the house is a mess because you never bother cleaning up. We're always fighting these days!"_

_And it wasn't fair to him, Jaehyun thought; it wasn't as if he didn't know that, as if he didn't know that every argument was becoming a screaming match, over the same things, so there was no need for Doyoung to point that out, to rub it in his face like that. Jaehyun often wondered how long Doyoung had been building up the anger—maybe the hospital was a nightmare, maybe he couldn't save a patient one of those days, maybe he was too stressed, so he was taking it all out at home. But it wasn't Jaehyun's fault that the publisher he was working for got shut down because things got too political. About 200 people—including him—got laid off, and he sometimes wondered how many of them had already managed to secure a new job._

_It was the economy, he always said. Maybe the economy was at fault._

_"You think I enjoy coming home to a pigsty?"_

_Jaehyun wasn't aware of how loud they were being until he saw curious but disapproving looks from Krystal and other women across the street. "Ssshh, Doyoung, our neighbours can hear you."_

_"I don't fucking care!" Doyoung retaliated, increasing the volume of his voice. "Let everyone know that I married a useless, unemployed jerk who is a waste of space!"_

_Sure, Jaehyun might hate looking himself in the mirror recently because of how unrecognisable he was becoming. And sure, the house was bought by Doyoung's parents, under Doyoung's name—he knew they never liked him. But that was no excuse for Doyoung to make him feel like shit, showing off that he was earning almost double than the average person in this country and paying off all their bills. What about all that "in sickness and health, in poverty and wealth" jazz they exchanged at the wedding? _

_"Hey, hey." Jaehyun grabbed Doyoung's arm with softened expression, hoping the latter would calm down. "Baby. I'm sorry, okay? I'll do better." He could see, in his peripheral vision, that those nosy people were whispering to each other. "I want to do better. For us."_

_His husband looked at him; Jaehyun searched for those stars, for any hope—but they were dimmed. "You reek of alcohol. You're sleeping on the couch tonight." He sounded so cold in midst of the dry, hot weather._

_Jaehyun stood alone in the driveway as Doyoung slammed the front door shut. _

* * *

Jaehyun throws the figure against the wall—leaving a dent, no doubt—with an angry scream, and it falls on the floor with a loud crack, the head separated from its body. "Fuck!" He clutches his head, pulling his knees to his chest. 

Doyoung really didn't spare any detail in putting this box together. But that's what makes it so scary—the fact that he knew Jaehyun so well that he knew just which items would incite the most reaction out of him.

Just how much more he can endure, he doesn't know.

He looks at the gold Pulsar watch, almost hidden in one corner of the box.

* * *

_It was early August—almost a year into their marriage, and almost five months of Jaehyun being out of job._

_In his novel 'We Are Water', Willy Lamb described love as having someone to guide you through different experiences, coax you to try new things but still make you feel safe. And for the most part, Jaehyun believed it to be true. Through Doyoung, he learned many new things about himself—like how he turned out to be a decent dancer after he was dragged to a club one night to prove that Kim Doyoung wasn't a 'prude and sheltered, upper-class boy', and how he adored the way Doyoung's toes curled when they climaxed together—and underwent a rollercoaster of emotions he never thought he would have the chance experiencing. _

_Not all of them were positive, though. _

_Jaehyun let out a loud grunt as he dropped his head over Doyoung's sweat-covered shoulder. The latter had his head buried in the pillow, not saying anything as he tried to catch his breath, his left arm hanging limply by the side of the bed._

_Lately, Doyoung didn't want to look at him when they were having sex, and it had bothered Jaehyun. Of course he never complained about doing it from behind, but this change was too evident that he was starting to feel taken aback. He missed seeing himself get lost in the cosmos of Doyoung's eyes, and the insatiable, lust-ridden expression—a clear statement that nothing else in the world mattered as long as their hearts were beating as one._

_And he thought Doyoung disliked change._

_"...Ah."_

_Doyoung rolled over lazily. "What?"_

_"That watch." Jaehyun pointed to the gold encrusted, expensive-looking watch on the table by the door. "Is it new? I never saw you wear it before." _

_Doyoung shrugged. "I've had it for a couple months now. It was a present." He pushed his fringes aside. "You know that Christmas in July Lucas hosted?"_

_"Ah, the one for the hospital staff?"_

_"Yeah, well, we did Secret Santa. We were already assigned names of the people we had to give the gifts for, though."_

_"I bet there was no price limit, huh. This doesn't look cheap," Jaehyun commented, leaning to get a closer view of the item. "Who gave it to you?"_

_"Kim Sejeong. From Geriatric Ward."_

_There was honestly no need for Doyoung to tell him the specific roles of his colleagues because he never really got much opportunity to meet them; it wasn't as if Doyoung hadn't been keen to introduce him to them, but Jaehyun didn't exactly enjoy the part where he had to tell them he had been unemployed for a good part of the year. The last thing he needed was for the people Doyoung worked with to judge him, too._

_And along with this discovery, came that one small, uneasy feeling Jaehyun detested. _

_"Is she cute?" _

_"...Why does that matter?"_

_"Can't I ask a question?"_

_Doyoung gave him a sharp glare, resting his elbows on his knees before looking outside the window, beyond the curtains and into the darkness. "What are you being insecure for?" _

_"I'm not insecure." Well, that was a big fat lie._

_Doyoung scoffed. "If you must know, yeah, she's cute. And everyone has a huge crush on her."_

_"Maybe she likes you."_

_"It was a present, for god's sake." _

_"No one splurges that much on a Christmas present for a colleague," Jaehyun argued, emphasising the last word._

_"Are you... jealous?" _

_Now they were crossing to a not-so-unfamiliar territory._

_"No."_

_Maybe Jaehyun did have bigger ego than all those other girls who only meant to serve as unimportant background characters in the Jaehyun and Doyoung Story._

_Doyoung sighed, rubbing the back of his neck in discomfort. "Jaehyun. We don't have to do this." Jaehyun swore he could see Doyoung almost say 'again'. _

_"Do what?" _

_"I'm married to you." Suddenly Doyoung seemed so tired, Jaehyun realised. He was still the same Doyoung from Uni, the same Doyoung who enjoyed talking about human biology, the same Doyoung who was too scared to pet animals, of course; he was still beautiful and glowing, but when did he start having eyebags? "There's nothing to be afraid of." _

_Jaehyun wasn't stupid. He wasn't afraid of Doyoung cheating on him because he trusted Doyoung wholly; it was the bitch he couldn't trust. How could Doyoung not see what a significant gesture the watch was? _

_"Does this Sejeong know we're married?" _

_"Yeah. Since she first transferred over."_

_"Interesting."_

_The older man looked at him for a few seconds, then prepped himself up against the headboard, now fully engrossed in the conversation. "You're being childish." _

_Was he? Jaehyun clicked his tongue. Was he overthinking it? "I just—"_

_"Come on." Doyoung still held his gaze, unwavering. "Let's not fight. It's getting late."_

_Jaehyun averted his eyes to catch a glimpse of the blue mug on the bedside table._

_"I love you. _

_Despite their arguments, if there was something that Jaehyun could still cling to, it was the sincerity that came with those words. To Jaehyun, it felt as if Doyoung were to commit murder, he would still forgive him as long as he spoke those words to him. _

_Jaehyun took out a fresh towel from their walk-in wardrobe. "I'm going to shower." He extended his palm out to Doyoung without a word—there was no need. _

_Doyoung's hand was warm like a spring day._

_And yet, Willy Lamb was wrong: Doyoung loved him, but his attempt at making Jaehyun learn to get used to the emotion jealousy didn't make Jaehyun feel safe. _

* * *

The phone beeps with a notification of another message. 

_From: Mum  
_ _Son, where are you? Please give me a call as soon as you get this._

Jaehyun turns his phone upside down on the carpet, suddenly feeling a chill on the back of his neck.

_Sorry, Mum_.

His ears perk up he hears a car approaching in the distance; not wasting a second, he jumps up and runs to the front door, peeking through the dusty curtains. It's Jongin and Krystal's Haval H6_—_he must've gotten a promotion at the bank_—_pulling up into their driveway. Krystal gets out and her husband follows suit; they exchange a couple of words, but Jaehyun can't make out what they're saying. Her intonation sounds rushed, in contrast to Jongin's, and he puts his hand up slightly, as if trying to calm her down.

Deciding that it's not something worth minding, Jaehyun checks the front door is locked for sure. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter.


End file.
